Lola and How Some Things Never Change

Fun times last night with my aunt Lola. Okay, maybe “fun” isn’t the right word for it, “trying” that might be the right word.

See Lola’s been in AA and she’s possibly even more fucked up sober than she is wasted, if that’s possible. Although “sober” might be not entirely the correct term to use either, since she’s convinced that beer doesn’t count as alcohol. According to Lola, beer is what people drink when they’re too young or too big a pussy to handle liquor or when their liver needs a vacation.

So naturally, as we were in a local dive bar, she got wasted. On beer. And face planted on the knee high karaoke stage while taking a short cut to the ladies’ room, laying there looking puzzled with her dress around her neck. Which I’m sure isn’t an entirely foreign situation for Lola.

It reminded me of one time when I was probably sixteen or seventeen where she almost got my ma to disown me (and her) when she got involved in a barroom bet (while feeding me Cosmopolitans no less) which resulted in her dancing around the lounge, topless wearing her bra on her head like a fucking Victorian bonnet.

When I was a little kid however, I thought Lola was the coolest woman on the planet. She was drop dead gorgeous and had a husky voice (imagine Lindsay Lohan if Lindsay Lohan were less deformed and had the Herp in her throat and was a shitload less whorish, which is ironic since Lola was a whore by trade).

She always made life exciting and didn’t bullshit you if you asked her a question, even that time, when I was seven or eight, where I busted in to her room all excited and caught her reenacting the rodeo, butt-naked, with the local sheriff, while wearing only a stetson and cowboy boots. “Honey, sometimes a lady likes to take off her clothes and have a man put his pee pee inside her noonie and wiggle.” I believe were her actual words, to which I shrugged, contemplated it for a moment and said “okay” and continued catching bugs in the yard.

Sometimes I think my family are slightly fucked.

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9 Responses to Lola and How Some Things Never Change

  1. I think your aunt was very well fucked.

  2. Tony Spunk says:

    Dude my aunt wrote the book on fucked. For realz.

  3. Katrocket says:

    Hiya big guy — I’ve been remiss in showering you with attention (sorry, I don’t go in for those other kinds of showers) , so I’m just sending a big sloppy kiss to my favourite Tony!! xo

  4. Tony Spunk says:

    Lovely lady, I just got a boner. Thank you. Smooches!

  5. Cynnie says:

    all familys are fucked ..
    and theres ALWAYS one auntie who’s fun..in a wrong wrong way..
    i’m proud to be that auntie:)

  6. Cynnie says:

    i love your auntie!..i mean really ..
    does anyone ever remember the relative what was a saint ?
    no..we remember the tarty ones 🙂

  7. Tony Spunk says:

    Sweet Cyn , yes indeed they are. Lola’s always been my favorite relative mainly because she’s fucking funny – sometimes even intentionally! Plus she’s never been ashamed of her profession she just tells anyone who doesn’t like it to suck it. Which is a departure since she normally does the sucking.

  8. Dude, Lola sounds like a girl you want at a party. She could out booze Gary Busey plus put a condom on a banana with her mouth. What’s not to like.

  9. Tony Spunk says:

    Lovely killah, so more about this condom banana business. My fertile imagination is working with that image. Not with Lola you dig, she’s my aunt, that’s dirty.

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