Hola you bitchin’ people.
Tony has been busy, yes indeedy. And by “busy” I completely mean “having sex with the ladies” so y’all can just indulge me for a minute.
So I won the bet although kudos to the Mexican for shadowing me right up till the midnight hour to make sure I didn’t cheat on it. Distrusting little fucker. I used the fifty bucks to get some pussy – heh, I’m totally kidding, Tony doesn’t pay for it, it just lands in his lap!
No, I used the fifty bucks to buy some of these babies for my hot date with Josephine. I didn’t buy them from the UK or nothin’ like that link, I found some right here on the Strip if you can believe it. I know right, Vegas has sex shops, you totally didn’t expect that little bombshell did you?
Actually, I was kind of surprised to find that link up there was a store in the UK because I totally thought limeys were too busy drinking tea and saluting the Queen to be thinking about schtoomping the ladies. My good limey blog buddy The Imaginary Reviewer is probably gonna kick my ass for that comment, but he’s an exception to the rule. I have a feeling that dude’s a deviant like the rest of us so it’s okay.
They had some fucked up shit in that store though let me tell you. I felt kind of innocent in comparison. I didn’t know what half that stuff is actually used for. I mean odd shaped objects that vibrate and pulsate and have multi pronged ends. What the shit?
I’m an old fashioned kinda guy. I use my pecker and my tongue, and my hands know their way around a lady’s contours okay, but some of those gadgets in there looked more like something you’d find at Guantanemo Bay. I got me an education I’ll tell ya. Have you heard of the We-Vibe? I’m totally getting that for some lucky lady.
Another funny story – when I was about nine or ten I’d hang at my aunt Lola’s house a lot. Aunt Lola is the family black sheep and for a while nobody talked about her a whole lot. Here’s an old entry about her in case you’re bored and want the background on that. Let’s just say she ran a special house for ladies who liked to entertain gentlemen and leave it at that.
Anyway, when I was a kid I was round there hanging with Lola and to make a long, embarrassing story shorter, I once tried to beat scrambled eggs with a huge white vibrator. It was a mistake anyone could make. It was in a drawer and I thought it was one of them new fangled mixer things. Yeah. That was awkward.
I still ate the eggs though.
I saw Lola last Christmas at a big family dinner in Henderson – she’s almost 60 now, a touch on the alcoholic side and still dirty as hell, and she slapped me on the back in the middle of the main course and yelled “Bothered any eggs with your vibrating penis lately son?”
So yeah this is getting lengthy (that’s what SHE said!) so I’ll tell you about the actual date with Josephine tomorrow. Believe me, it’s worth waiting for, which is what I told HER on the night!