Bring It, Bublé

Hola Mis Peepos!!

You know who’s a great big, prancing lady? Michael Bublé. I know I should probably embrace the guy, given my line of work and all and given the fact I often don a suit in pastel shades and listen to Liberace, therefore, calling anyone else a ‘big, prancing lady’ probably made y’all splutter into your coffee in indignant wonder, but seriously folks. Michael Bublé? He’s a giant, Canadian cupcake. With pink frosting. He probably drinks Courvoisier and plucks his eyebrows while swaggering in front of the mirror. Don’t be fooled ladies, the only person Bublé loves is Bublé.

Of course I ain’t jealous or anything. Apart from of his name. Having both “Boob” and “Lay” in your name should, by default, make you fuckin’ badass, right? No. It makes you look like a * giant lady’s front bottom.

Of course you may argue that having “Spunk” in your name isn’t exactly exuding class and it would be hard to debate that.

Spunk isn’t my real name, you dig? It’s short for Spuncero and my granddad, for some reason, decided to shorten it when he arrived in the U.S. back in the day from Ancuna, Mexico where he’d spent countless decades riding around in cars with three doors, playing mariachi music and planning an escape to the States where he believed people shat gold and wiped their asses with Benjamin Franklin. He probably thought ‘Spunk’ seemed less Mexican, and goddamn, he got that right, although honestly, the dude was five foot four with creased brown skin, two teeth and a nose that spanned two states width wise, so it wasn’t necessarily a great cloaking tactic. Neither was shortening it to something that got my ass kicked approximately seven hundred times as a kid, until I grew up to look like a ‘younger, pointier, more glittery Tom Selleck’ and they laid off a bit. Only because it was more fun to pick on my stupendous mustache instead. Fuckers.

Anyway yeah, Michael Bublé. What’s up with that guy? He’s a false idol, ladies, not like yours truly who will bring you love, glamor and possibly a sneaky little rash (but I’ve heard that clears up in a day or two with the right ointment).

* I apologize, ladies, for likening your wonderful, juicy ladybits to a steaming asstard like Bublé, I will repent immediately. Then again later and at two hour intervals after. With my cock.

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6 Responses to Bring It, Bublé

  1. katrocket says:

    So are you telling us you’ve got Mexican roots? What a plot twist! Yeah, I think I might have had cake with your Grandpa in France once.

    Mr. Bublé has 2 things going for him: a hilarious name, and a pretty good crooning voice. But it’s not enough. I mean, he’s no Harry Connick, Jr. – that pistol-packin’ bad boy can flip me over any day.

    And he’s no Tony Spunk, either. What this world needs now is a more glittery Tom Selleck.

  2. Cynnie says:

    Buble is gay no?

    he certainly has gayface.

    The best name ever ( and I will change my name to it one day )
    Is Anita Dick..
    I worked with her in the 90’s …
    god i wanted that name..
    If It were my name I would introduce myself constantly , and always talk about myself in the third person.

  3. Tony Spunk says:

    Ms. Rocket – The Spunk has never hidden his Mexican roots. It’s only on my pa’s side. My grandaddy was Mexican (my grandma incidentally was Italian, figure out that mix) so I guess old Tony’s a quarter Mexicano. It hurts my head if I think about it too much.

    Mr. Connick is sorta scary looking with his big horse face but dude can sing. However he just gave me some serious wood – not him exactly, more the idea of him flipping a fine lady like yourself over. I mean once you’re all flipped he can back out and let Tony take over, you dig?

    Ms. Cynnie – Sure does have the gayface, yes ma’am. I sure like a lady who sees my side.

    I’d like to meet this Anita Dick person so long as she lives up to her name and ain’t related to Andy Dick.

  4. abroad says:

    Dear Mr. Spunk,
    Thanks for writing about this important topic. I have often felt quite alone in my belief that Buble is a wanker and a poser. I don’t care for him much and like Ms. Rocket believe that Mr. Connick Jr. is a far more talented and tastier ride.
    Sincerely,
    Abroad

  5. Poobomber says:

    Buble?

    If you’ve got a letter in your name that I don’t have a key on my keyboard for, you’re automatically disqualified as a decent singer in my books.

  6. Tony Spunk says:

    Ms. Abroad (I’m assuming you are a lady so apologies otherwise if you sport a penis) you are correct. Buble is a bastion of the dark side and must not be tolerated. You know who’s a far more talented and tastier ride? Yours truly! For realz.

    Sir Poo – Damn fuckin’ right, fella. Not only does he suck, he’s pretentious too. Accents are for assholes.

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