Yo Quiero Taco Bell

Here’s a short story about Pedro almost getting bitchslapped by some lady at Taco Bell.

Before you say it, I know, I know…what’s a real, genuine Mexican doing at Taco Bell, right? Don’t even ask.

Anyway, we had just finished a show and decided to catch a bite. So we’re standing there, half drunk, eating burritos filled with supposed refried beans that looked like baby poop, when Pedro sneezed violently.

Now, normally a sneeze is no big deal, but in this case he sneezed so hard he squeezed his burrito a little too enthusiastically (not a euphemism for once) and it flew right out of his fist and I swear to God, smacked into this lady’s cleavage with the approximate velocity of a heat seeking missile, spilling hot bean lava all down her chest (sadly, also not a euphemism).

This was a large lady (imagine if Jabba the Hutt swallowed Michael Moore whole then went to an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet) and I could tell you she wasn’t as amused as I was at this cleavage aiming development, but that would be a grave understatement. She was ball-busting, head-spinning, hissyfit furious.

Next thing I know, she’s making a sound like I imagine a warthog shot by an arrow might make and heading right for Pedro. For a lady the size of a hot air balloon she sure could motor. I was kind of impressed if you want to know the truth. Her fists were like giant hams.

I never saw that Mexican move so fast in my life. He was out the door and probably across the state line in under a minute. Luckily the lady was out of steam before she reached the door so catastrophe was avoided. I momentarily thought about distracting her with some sweet talking, as is my specialty, but just looking at her made my penis cry and it’s not often a lady has that effect on the Captain.

It sure was funny but on retrospect, you kinda had to be there.


5 Responses to Yo Quiero Taco Bell

  1. That’s funny, and I wish I had been there…

  2. Poobomber says:

    I bet he had his escape route planned before he even went in the place.

  3. Tony Spunk says:

    Gentlemen, it was entertaining as parts of that lady jiggled that should never jiggle on anyone. Also she looked sort of like Walter Mathau.

  4. katrocket says:

    I hope this tragic event doesn’t stop you from using “squeezed his burrito” and “hot bean lava” as euphemisms in the future.

  5. Tony Spunk says:

    Sweet honey cheeks, for you I will enter that euphemism into the Lexicon of Spunk, how about that? You are the sort of lady makes squeezing a burrito a necessity.

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