My cleaning lady, Consuela, was here earlier. She drops in every second Friday because although I’m fairly responsible and can manage stuff like feeding myself, defecating regularly and dropping off my dry cleaning, I’m like most guys – I can’t seem to get the hang of a mop or a duster and can think of a trillion reasons not to shove my arm down a toilet in the name of cleanliness. I’ve known Consuela since I was a kid when she worked with my mom at Caesar’s before she started her cleaning business so she gives me a discount and everything.
Every now and then, like today, she brings her granddaughter, Eva, with her when she cleans. I’ve known Eva a couple of years now and she’s a little shithead. Not many nine year olds are experts in extortion and blackmail, but Eva has it down pat.
Today, Consuela ran out to get some supplies and Eva stayed with me. She wanted to watch Springer. Should a nine year old be watching that shit, I don’t know? Should ANYONE be watching that crap? However, arguing with the little shit is futile so I let her switch it on.
And then we had the most frightening conversation ever in the history of conversations.
Eva: I’m learning French this year after school.
Tony: What? Oh. That’s nice.
Eva: I’m really good at it. Tracy Laponte is in my French class.
Tony: That’s nice. Is Tracy a friend of yours?
Eva: No, she’s FOURTEEN! She’s got extensions like Britney and she works at Dairy Queen. Everyone likes her because she’s good at drawing and blowjobs.
Tony: She…wait…what did you say?
Eva: Tanya (Eva’s best friend) told me. Everyone says Tracy’s good at drawing and blowjobs and that’s why everyone likes her.
Eva: Uncle Tony…what’s a blowjob?
Tony: Oh Jesus Christ…um…are you hungry? Can I make you a snack or something?
Eva: I had lunch already. What’s a blowjob?
Tony: …I have no idea, I think it’s a girl thing, did you ask your mom? You should ask your mom.
Eva: SHE said it was something you got at the hair salon when they dry your hair.
Tony: Your mom is 100% correct.
Eva: If you don’t tell me? I’ll ask my grandma. And I’ll say that you taught me it. And I’ll tell her about those magazines with the naked ladies in your hallway closet.
Tony: For the love of God, kid.
Eva: So what is a blowjob?
Tony: You’re too young to be asking about such things.
Eva: Is it something dirty? You have to tell me. Tanya says it’s when a girl puts a boy’s pee pee in her mouth but that’s just GROSS. I mean who wants to do THAT?
Tony: No one. I can’t think of one person who’d want to do something that gross.
Eva: Boys are gross. They smell like frogs.
Tony: Yes they do. You should stay away from boys till they smell better. Oh look your grandma’s back!
Honest to God, what the fuck is up with kids nowadays? This is why people drink before noon.