My cleaning lady, Consuela, was here earlier. She drops in every second Friday because although I’m fairly responsible and can manage stuff like feeding myself, defecating regularly and dropping off my dry cleaning, I’m like most guys – I can’t seem to get the hang of a mop or a duster and can think of a trillion reasons not to shove my arm down a toilet in the name of cleanliness. I’ve known Consuela since I was a kid when she worked with my mom at Caesar’s before she started her cleaning business so she gives me a discount and everything.

Every now and then, like today, she brings her granddaughter, Eva, with her when she cleans. I’ve known Eva a couple of years now and she’s a little shithead. Not many nine year olds are experts in extortion and blackmail, but Eva has it down pat.

Today, Consuela ran out to get some supplies and Eva stayed with me. She wanted to watch Springer. Should a nine year old be watching that shit, I don’t know? Should ANYONE be watching that crap? However, arguing with the little shit is futile so I let her switch it on.

And then we had the most frightening conversation ever in the history of conversations.

Eva: I’m learning French this year after school.
Tony: What? Oh. That’s nice.
Eva: I’m really good at it. Tracy Laponte is in my French class.
Tony: That’s nice. Is Tracy a friend of yours?
Eva: No, she’s FOURTEEN! She’s got extensions like Britney and she works at Dairy Queen. Everyone likes her because she’s good at drawing and blowjobs.
Tony: She…wait…what did you say?
Eva: Tanya (Eva’s best friend) told me. Everyone says Tracy’s good at drawing and blowjobs and that’s why everyone likes her.
Tony: !!!!!
Eva: Uncle Tony…what’s a blowjob?
Tony: Oh Jesus Christ…um…are you hungry? Can I make you a snack or something?
Eva: I had lunch already. What’s a blowjob?
Tony: …I have no idea, I think it’s a girl thing, did you ask your mom? You should ask your mom.
Eva: SHE said it was something you got at the hair salon when they dry your hair.
Tony: Your mom is 100% correct.
Eva: If you don’t tell me? I’ll ask my grandma. And I’ll say that you taught me it. And I’ll tell her about those magazines with the naked ladies in your hallway closet.
Tony: For the love of God, kid.
Eva: So what is a blowjob?
Tony: You’re too young to be asking about such things.
Eva: Is it something dirty? You have to tell me. Tanya says it’s when a girl puts a boy’s pee pee in her mouth but that’s just GROSS. I mean who wants to do THAT?
Tony: No one. I can’t think of one person who’d want to do something that gross.
Eva: Boys are gross. They smell like frogs.
Tony: Yes they do. You should stay away from boys till they smell better. Oh look your grandma’s back!

Honest to God, what the fuck is up with kids nowadays? This is why people drink before noon.


9 Responses to Gulp!

  1. Poobomber says:

    I was worried you’d say you’d show her or something awful like that.

  2. Cynnie says:

    I would chop my dick off and mail it to the fbi before I was ever alone with that child again ever.

    i mean..if i had a dick and all

  3. Tony Spunk says:

    Sir Bomber – Even Tony ain’t THAT depraved. I like my ladies to at least be legal and preferably over 25 and able to use words with more than one syllable, although I’ll relax that rule if she’s stacked, you dig?

    Cynnie – Lovely lady, you have a valid and sensible point (I have quite a point myself if you ever get lonely, wink!). My lizard crawled up inside me at talking to that kid, she’s sure a scary little shit.

  4. katrocket says:

    That’s a really funny story, Tony, even though I’d kinda like to smack that kid.

  5. Hell, I “can think of a trillion reasons not to shove my arm down a toilet in the name of cleanliness,” but have you ever tried it for sexual pleasure? Don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it, man.

  6. Tony Spunk says:

    Kat – Don’t think it didn’t occur to me sweet baby! Kids and Tony don’t mix. They’re like little tiny alien beings full of the crazy. They make me nervous. And Eva makes me shit my pants terrified.

    Senor Reviewer – You are one depraved (and fully awesome) dude although you are now frightening me beyond reason and I have to admit, making me a tad curious about the outcome of such a pastime. I’ll let you try it out, bro and if you take photos I’ll give it a go myself. Just don’t pour Draino down there before inserting your Bratwurst, okay?

  7. mike says:

    Where were girls like that when I was 14? I must have grown up in Amish country.

  8. mike says:

    I just noticed your post title. Now THAT is funny.

  9. Tony Spunk says:

    Now Senor Mike, I think you might be the only one who DID notice the title. See, Tony is nothing if not relevant in these matters.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: